I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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