And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
