I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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