You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
