theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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