Someone shit on the floor
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
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