Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
