Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
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an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
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My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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