I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
