i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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