I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
