just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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