Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I will pee on everything he values.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
