I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Randomize
