Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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