Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize