and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
