He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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