i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
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