I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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