I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
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