We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
