Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
