He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I am spending my child support on dildos
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I think people are normalizing furries
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"