I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.