Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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