you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
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Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
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WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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