How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I want to be your penis for a week.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Randomize
