I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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