My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
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Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
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she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
That's what I'm talking about
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.