today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
