bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
