just tell him i said nine months
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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