well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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