I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
