I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
