morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
