the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
