turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
