yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
