Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
