I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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