i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
