he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
