Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
