It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
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I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
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Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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