Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
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