Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
time to smoke my breakfast
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
