I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Randomize
