I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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