Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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