just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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