the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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