There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
