if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
