I want to have your abortion
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
